As a hardworking tradesman, nobody could ever accuse you of not taking your work seriously, but that doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy a good laugh every now and again. Besides, you’ve been grafting solidly for hours now. Isn’t time you downed tools, put the kettle on and give yourself – and your workmates – something to smile about?
Whether you’re looking to crack up the lads on site or just give yourself a bit of a giggle, here’s some of our favourite tradesman jokes.
Danny and Johnny are two carpenters working on a new house.
Johnny is nailing down the timber, and Danny watches him as he reaches into his nail pouch, pulls out a nail, looks at it, and either throws it over his shoulder or nails it in.
Danny looks at him, curiously, and says:
“Johnny, what are you doing, mate? Why do you keep throwing half of those nails away?”
Johnny looks at Danny like he’s an idiot and says:
“If I pull a nail out and it’s pointing towards me, I throw it out because it’s obviously defective. If it’s pointing towards the house, then it’s good to go and I nail it in.”
Danny shakes his head and replies:
“Johnny, you muppet! The nails pointing towards you aren’t defective, they’re for the other side of the house!”
Her clean floor
A tradesman is doing some work outside a lady’s house. While he’s getting the job done, the lady keeps herself busy with cleaning the house from top to bottom.
She just finishes scrubbing the floors when the tradesman comes in and asks to use the toilet. She looks from her nice, clean floors to his dirty, muddy boots and back again.
“Just a minute,” she sighs. “I’ll put some newspapers down.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” says the tradesman. “I’m already trained.”
The strongest man on site
A young lad starts a new job on a construction site. He goes to the gym every night and constantly brags that he can beat anyone on site in a test of strength. Being a cocky little thing, he spends a lot of time goading one of the older workers, Joe, about his strength.
“Alright, let’s settle this once and for all,” says Joe. “I bet you a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow to that building over there that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
The young lad grins.
“Easy,” he says. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”
Joe reaches out and grabs the wheelbarrow by both handles. Then, looking at the young lad, he says:
“Alright, get in.”
Taking things literally
A painter is hired to do some work on a man’s house. He does a great job and the homeowner is very happy with his newly painted house.
“I love what you’ve done,” says the man as he hands the painter and decorator his cheque, “In fact, as a way of saying thank you, here’s an extra eighty quid to take the wife out to dinner and movie.”
Later that night, the man’s doorbell rings. When he answers it, the painter is stood there.
“Did you forget something?” asks the man.
“No,” says the painter. “I’m here to pick up your wife.”
A generous brother
A man is down the pub showing off a photo of his five sons to his mates. One of them asks him what the five sons do for a living.
“Well,” says the man. “The older two are doctors and the younger two are lawyers.”
“What about the middle son?” asks the man’s friend.
“Oh, he’s a plumber. Well, somebody had to pay for the other four’s education!”
Putting in the hours
Dave is a contractor who dies in a tragic boating accident on his 40th birthday. He arrives in heaven, where a brass band is playing and a big banner labelled “CONGRATULATIONS DAVE!” hangs over the pearly gates.
Saint Peter runs up and shakes Dave’s hand eagerly.
“Congratulations!” he yells.
“What for?” asks Dave, puzzled.
“For living to be 160 years old!”
“160?” says Dave. “But I only lived until I was 40.”
“Impossible!” says Saint Peter, “We added up your time sheets.”
20 minutes left
Two tradesmen, Mickey and Al, go to the pub to unwind after a long day’s graft. As they get through a few pints, their conversation turns to nuclear war. Mickey turns to Al and says:
“Alright, Al. Imagine this:
“The sirens go off, the missiles are on their way and you’ve only got twenty minutes left to live. What do you do?”
“That’s easy. I’ll go and cop off with anything that moves.”
He then asks Mickey what he would do in the same situation.
“That’s easy too,” says Mickey. “I’m going to keep perfectly still.”
Paul, Andy and Tommy are three builders working on a site. Come lunchtime, the three of them go up to the very top of the site to eat.
“Beef sandwiches again,” he says. “I’m sick of beef sandwiches. If my wife makes me one more beef sandwich, I’m going to throw myself off this building site.”
Andy opens his lunchbox and sighs too. Looking at Paul, he says:
“I know what you mean, mate. Every day I get ham on my butties. If I get ham again tomorrow, I’m going to throw myself off the building site too.”
Next, Tommy opens his lunch box.
“I’m with you there, lads,” he sighs, “Bloody cheese again! If I get cheese again tomorrow, I’ll throw myself off the building site with you.”
The next day, lunchtime comes and the three lads climb to the top of the site.
Paul opens his lunchbox and finds he’s got beef again, so he throws himself off the building site. Daunted, Andy opens his lunchbox and – wouldn’t you know it – he’s got ham again. So he gets up and off he goes off the building site.
Finally, Tommy opens his lunchbox to find a cheese sandwich.
“I guess there’s nothing for it,” he says and hurls himself off the site.
A week later, there’s a joint funeral for all three men. Their three wives together for a chat.
“I don’t understand it,” says Paul’s wife, “All he had to do was say that he wanted something other than beef for lunch and I would’ve made it for him.”
Andy’s wife agrees: “I know what you mean. All he had to say was that he wanted something other than cheese and I would’ve made it for him.”
“I don’t understand it either,” says Tommy’s wife, “He made his own lunch.”